Sometimes Life Doesn't Go As Planned...

[Picture from Sunshinehomestudy.com]

Haven’t blogged in awhile. December was a bit hectic, I got sick, got medicine to get better, had an allergic reaction to said medication, went to the ER, took that medication, then got sick again, and I’m finally better! That wasn’t my whole holiday, but it sure felt like most of it.

Anyway…on to my topic.

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So, over the last…probably 5 months or so, I’ve fallen head over heels for an 18 month old boy.

I’ll give you some back story.

My boyfriend’s sister has two amazing adopted boys. They are gorgeous and wonderful and I love every second I get to spend with them. About 4-5 months ago her and her husband received a phone call about a boy needing a foster home, and they were wanting to try fostering, so they took him in.

I was smitten from day one.

This boy has stolen my heart, as he has most people who have met him. His smile is truly contagious. He is loving and usually happy, though I have witnessed his “moments.” Haha.

He didn’t have really anything of a vocabulary when he came to them. Sounds, he kind of had, but words he couldn’t form. They have worked diligently with him and he’s definitely improving.

CPS here has been working with another state’s CPS to see if his father is an acceptable caretaker. My boyfriend’s sister and her husband decided early on, that if it fell through and they could, they would adopt him.

I can’t explain enough how much I adore this child. He warms my heart and soul. Not to say her two boys don’t; like I said, I love them to death, I would do anything for them. But…there is just something about this kid that just brings pure joy to me. He could brighten my whole day if I was down. I can’t explain it…there’s just something about his innocent smile and questions that come out as noises that mean something to me.

For the last month or so I really began to think that he wasn’t going to go live with his dad. I won’t give details, but it seemed that with everything I was told that it was going to fall through, and that they had a chance at adopting him. And I’m sorry to admit, but from what I knew of the father and the family, I really was hoping that’s how it would turn out.

Last night I got the news that he would be going to live with his father. They will give anywhere from 2-10 days notice before they come to get him and take him.

I have so many fears and concerns…seeing as he’s going to a different state, if things don’t work out and they have to take him out of the home, he won’t come back here. He’ll go to a foster home there…and what happens if he winds up in foster homes for the rest of his life? What happens if his dad doesn’t stay diligent with his speech therapy? Or doesn’t like that he can’t talk, and doesn’t want him anymore? What if he doesn’t get enough love/education/discipline?

I’m terrified. I know that I need to be positive and have faith in CPS… that they know what they are doing…but it is very hard for me to be so optimistic.

I know a big part of my fear is how attached I am to him…I cried for a very long time last night. My boyfriend comforted me and told me funny stories and held me…but I went to bed and had nightmare after nightmare. I woke up about a dozen times, too.

I didn’t think it would be so hard. I would take that boy and adopt him in a heartbeat if I could. Unfortunately, though, I can’t. I can only hope that this is the best thing for him, and that his life is filled with happiness, love, and dreams. That’s all I want for him. Please, God, protect that young, innocent soul.

I know the day I say goodbye will be tough, but I have family and friends that will let me lean on them while they lean on me. We’ll keep each other strong and standing. I thank them for that.

Please keep my boyfriend’s family in your thoughts (and prayers, for the praying bunch out there), as this will be a very difficult time for them all, including me.

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